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Wednesday, November 28th, 2007

Subject:GOD DAMNIT!
Posted by:shelby_disaster.
Time:5:01 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Why!

why can't i come out on top ONE FUCKING TIME?

why is it every time i've ever been put in the place where it was me or him i ALWAYS loose?  i've done everything i can to make my life right.  i don't cheat, i don't lie, but i cant fight hard enough to make it work.

Why do i have to be the one to fucking loose what i care about every god damned time!  WHY

this is the third time that i've let myself feel this way about someone, and been told that it wasn't enough.  that i wasn't enough.   can fight, and scream and rage, but its never going to make me good enough. 

i'm second place, at best, until that other choice, which is all shiny and new now, becomes tarnished and battered later, and i'm the second choice.. until i've served my fucking purpose and im cast aside again.  and again.  and again.    i cant do that anymore.. i can't wait until it's my fucking turn.. i cant be there when they need me, and then have to face my own dark time alone.  i deserve better than that!

too bad im the only one who thinks so.

i've given so much of myself away,  when is it going to happen that i don't have any left?

even as few as 3 months ago, i thought that was ok.. just break off your piece, i'll just have more pieces leftover.. and now, i look back, and i hate myself.. hate the person i was even that recently.. and i'm wondering if it keeps up, am i going to just hate myself as i am?  not was i was, but AM, in the present? 

what's left to break?  i've lost controll of so much of my life now, im not sure it's worrt trying to put back together. 

at least when i was passed out drunk everynight, i was doing something right.
speak if you must

Thursday, November 22nd, 2007

Subject:What do you do when you get lonely, and no one's waiting by your side?
Posted by:shelby_disaster.
Time:5:15 am.
Mood: frustrated.
that unplugged album is kinda turning to shit, the more i get into clapton..  then again, i've all but given him up for JJ Cale anyway, but that's neither here nor there.. 

i just heard that line play, and for some reason, (IE, im sauced out of my brain) it hit me kinda hard.

Young william has no taste in music.  he just likes music.,  any music.  in some ways, that seriously bothers me, in others, im so fucking jealous that it kills me.  that said, the shotgun that is his play list used to spit out some gems once in a while.  one was this stones song that i had never heard before, and couldnt find on any of my albums.  he had no idea, and his title on his list was wrong, so i could never find it.  finally one day, i tracked it down, bought the album, and walked home estatic.  until i played the album.. everything else on the album sucked.  only this song is any good. 

so i put the record on my shelf, got the MP3 from William, and went about my business.

how many times have i done that?  bought the whole to have the one gem?  damnit. why do i ask questions when i'm fucking drunk?

better yet, let's ask Maroon 5 to spell it out for me?

"not seeing the rest of you, is getting the best of me... if it's only a fantasy, why is it killing me?"

oh, you silly bastards.. 


i treid to sleep, yeah.. but i couldn't shut my brain up long enough to get to sleep.

oh yeah, the song is real..  what happened to a time when i could have?


Ahh. a misspent youth..  there it is..
speak if you must

Saturday, November 17th, 2007

Subject:"If my heart were still alive, i'm sure it would surely break...." You said it Dave.
Posted by:shelby_disaster.
Time:9:10 pm.
I think im broken.

really.  like Rocky in the 10th round before he get's his speech from the penguin..  ok, I'm mixing metaphors here, but you know the scene.  he's beaten, broken, covered in his own blood, and just..... Done.  You know that if it were anyone but Rocky, that'd be the end.   and maybe it is.   I'm waiting.. but there' s no Burgis meridith to rally me, and even if there were..  at this point?  Fuck it. 


whats the line?  the only second chances we get are to make the same mistakes over again? 

i prefer "the only lesson i learn is that i don't learn my lesson"

how great is this.,. it goes from Megadeth to Bootsy and the JB's.    "McLovin Funk" eh?  kind of true though.. most of my romance is of the quickly disposable variety.. hmm.. Winamp, oh how you know me.

where's the third act going to turn?  i swear to god if all this lasts until Febauary ,  i'm going to be screaming to get out of bed everyday.


let's see if i can make this plain.

In halet, there were three witches.  in mythology there's often the three fates.  three who are one.  damn if that ain't true.  a maiden, a mother, and a crone.  hmmmm.  who's who though.. who is the new and sparklely, full of joy and kindness?  who's the peer, the experienced, but foolish one to stare me in the eye?  and oh yes, who's the experienced, weathered and cynical, there to show me what could have been, and flaunt my wasted youth?

and as i end this, it plays another one.  mildly prophetic...  let me quote the first line, shall i?  no.. i think not..  if anyone wants to know, just look it up on Google or something.

the quickest way to one's heart is straight through the chest wall, yeah?

Peace 3<
speak if you must

Wednesday, November 7th, 2007

Subject:Hi Karma Im SD.. Please to be slapping me around for a bit? K Thx.
Posted by:shelby_disaster.
Time:2:20 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
So... yeah.. i'm an ass at times.  and perhaps i fuck up trying to make things right...    but im trying. i really am..


but i'm still getting the payback.. Karma is kicking my ass..

fuck.


they get you coming and going.


i'm going to live under a rock.
speak if you must

Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

Subject:So, if you can't be good... be bad. i loved WKRP.
Posted by:shelby_disaster.
Time:6:41 pm.
Mood: creative.
Perhaps it's time to be the bad guy...  they die in the end, but they get all the best lines.
speak if you must

Thursday, April 7th, 2005

Posted by:plasticpenguin.
Time:9:00 pm.
Yeah, so fuck you all.

All of you.
speak if you must

Sunday, August 17th, 2003

Posted by:plasticpenguin.
Time:7:19 pm.

GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR

4 said it anyways speak if you must

Friday, August 8th, 2003

Subject:ahh. feels good to say it outloud....
Posted by:shelby_disaster.
Time:11:09 am.
FUCK YOU!!!!


whew.. ok, i'm better now.
1 said it anyway speak if you must

Saturday, August 2nd, 2003

Subject:SHIT!
Posted by:shelby_disaster.
Time:1:44 am.
Mood:Crappy and happy.. shit....
I get so close.. every time.. so god damed close, and then nothing. don't get me wrong, i'm HAPPY!! oh yes! but it's still bad for me i guess. well, not really bad, i have what i did and actually it's still better, but i' was so close!!! but i'm sure it's going to be that gets to mess it up. so damned close!!!!!! SHIT SHIT!! ok, well i'm happy and its great. god damn.. what is wrong with me?
speak if you must

Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003

Subject:i've said it before, and i'll say it again... ARGH!
Posted by:shelby_disaster.
Time:8:59 pm.
Mood: frustrated.
Family are noisy. They want to know things and not that I have a problem telling them stuff, but there are places where it's my business, not theirs, and they need to be ok with that. So you don't tell them certain items- for a long time- and then, when they do get a little nugget of information, they begin to try and put out all of these things they assumed. These are never right. Ever. I love them, but Jesus, leave me be on some things. It’s my life, and I live some parts like I want to, even if you don't know I am. Ok that's it. Small bitching to day.



AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

that was just for normal stress.
speak if you must

Monday, July 21st, 2003

Subject:quick question
Posted by:shelby_disaster.
Time:3:05 am.
Mood: confused.
what do you do when every move you make is going to piss somebody off, but it's all supposed to work out to make you happy, and al you want is for others to be happy for you? when it comes down to it, who is more important?
2 said it anyways speak if you must

Sunday, July 13th, 2003

Subject:peope at work make me so bloody mad....
Posted by:shelby_disaster.
Time:12:50 am.
Mood: enraged.
ok, so i was at work, it's hectic, it's busy, i am working my tail off to keep up, and one of my bosses (yes, i have many) comes in and starts to jump down my throat aobut some paperwork he needs, and can't hold on for 30 seconds so i can do it. he is not even really one of my bosses, i never work with him, but he's there for some reason today, and needs this paper, and he's all mad that it wasn't done before he came in my door, and is just trying to make me look stupid becuase i don't have it done. so i complain. to my boss, who tells his boss, who goes to this other guy, and gets on his case, but he plays it off like he's just joking. i am pissed.. next time, i am leaving.. i'm just going to get up from my desk, sit him down, and say that if he can do my job, then i don't have to. bastards.. bastards bastards bastards!
speak if you must

Saturday, July 5th, 2003

Posted by:plasticpenguin.
Time:10:00 pm.
She's a snob...
That's my impression.

I felt bad for leaving her out of the conversation for a few minutes--but she wasn't contributing valid points, so I ignored them.

I don't like I don't being compared to her.
speak if you must

Friday, July 4th, 2003

Subject:SHIT!
Posted by:shelby_disaster.
Time:10:48 pm.
Mood:Insane With Rage.
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

screaming is hard to do out loud, people here you and want explinations.
speak if you must

Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003

Posted by:plasticpenguin.
Time:11:26 am.
Ugh!

I wish some people could realize that the world isn't all black and white. I wish some people could realize that different people had different perspectives. I wish some people could respect those different perspectives. I wish some people could agree to disagree rather than telling me that I'm wrong and trying to convince me that their way is better. If this would happen, I think there would be a little bit more mutual respect going on.

Thank you,
Management.
3 said it anyways speak if you must

Monday, June 30th, 2003

Subject:ARG!!!
Posted by:shelby_disaster.
Time:10:54 am.
Mood: pissed off.
do you ever feel that you need to throw a co-worker a beating? how about we work out an exchange? i'll beat up one of yours, you come beat up all of mine...
2 said it anyways speak if you must

Thursday, June 26th, 2003

Subject:awww shit.
Posted by:shelby_disaster.
Time:1:15 am.
Mood: confused.
OK, so people are second-guessing me, and it's not cool. ok, so it's only me that is second gussing myself, but what do i know.. screw off.
speak if you must

Tuesday, June 24th, 2003

Subject:I was thinking about how much I needed Philly three earlier today
Posted by:plasticpenguin.
Time:6:52 pm.
I like to know that I'm heard. Granted, everything I say isn't extremely important--or even important at all. Still, when someone wants me to participate in a conversation, I think the least s/he could do is acknowledge that I've said something before totally disregarding me and talking again about his/herself!

That is all for now.
speak if you must

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