Shebly E. Disaster (shelby_disaster) wrote in philly_3,
Shebly E. Disaster

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why can't i come out on top ONE FUCKING TIME?

why is it every time i've ever been put in the place where it was me or him i ALWAYS loose?  i've done everything i can to make my life right.  i don't cheat, i don't lie, but i cant fight hard enough to make it work.

Why do i have to be the one to fucking loose what i care about every god damned time!  WHY

this is the third time that i've let myself feel this way about someone, and been told that it wasn't enough.  that i wasn't enough.   can fight, and scream and rage, but its never going to make me good enough. 

i'm second place, at best, until that other choice, which is all shiny and new now, becomes tarnished and battered later, and i'm the second choice.. until i've served my fucking purpose and im cast aside again.  and again.  and again.    i cant do that anymore.. i can't wait until it's my fucking turn.. i cant be there when they need me, and then have to face my own dark time alone.  i deserve better than that!

too bad im the only one who thinks so.

i've given so much of myself away,  when is it going to happen that i don't have any left?

even as few as 3 months ago, i thought that was ok.. just break off your piece, i'll just have more pieces leftover.. and now, i look back, and i hate myself.. hate the person i was even that recently.. and i'm wondering if it keeps up, am i going to just hate myself as i am?  not was i was, but AM, in the present? 

what's left to break?  i've lost controll of so much of my life now, im not sure it's worrt trying to put back together. 

at least when i was passed out drunk everynight, i was doing something right.
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